SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR YOU

Say A Little Prayer - Aretha Franklin

I had no family therapy or whatsoever…

I did not know if I ever needed one.

I had no time nor energy to think so deeply about it, since I was so busy struggling with the pressures of a really difficult and demanding mother. I was either busy hating her, or fighting her, or lying to her, just to ease the situation, to make life bearable, supportable. Hating someone is already very painful by itself, it always ends up with a terrible feeling of despair. And when that someone is your mother, it is such a dark dungeon, the only way to escape is to admit that hatred, which is worse than burning in hell. But only those who dare to say that outloud can find a way out of that prison.

I do not have the intention of telling you about how unhappy I was. Since it seems really far away now, so far that I cannot even describe it correctly… But as one who has finally escaped, I can tell you how miraculously  it faded away as a nightmare, so long forgotten…

The magic happened after I really wanted to get rid of that burden… When I say, I really wanted, I really wanted from the very deepest part of  my heart. I even remember the night I felt that wish coming from the deepest part of my being, the night I prayed so intensely. My terrible, distorted, twisted relation with my mother had started to kill me more after the birth of my daughter. I found myself often behaving like my mother, and I could not even help it. The fear that my daughter also would not hug me with love, as I could never hold my mom in my arms without feeling a disgust,  was so petrifying. I wanted her remember me as a “good mother”, not as I would remember my mother, and it seemed that there was no chance since I was becoming more and more like my mom.

It was a beautiful warm night in spring and there I was , tearing down so sadly, so miserable I was,  I wished from a part of my heart that was unknown to me till that night, for my very precious girl not to hate me as I hated mine.I kept on asking where was the mistake, what was I doing wrong…

Only those who pray from so deep know that kind of prayer. I believed somehow that it could be possible, just a slight feeling it was.

Then what happened is a really worth to tell…

Every single friend of mine was persuaded that there was nothing wrong with me, my mom was malfunctioning, and  nothing would change, that most of the mothers were also almost like that anyway… Since she would not change whatever I do, life was supposed to go on like that…forever and ever..My brother also, who had suffered as much as I had,  was among those persuaded ones.

I was 45 then. Now I am almost 49.

They were all wrong.

I was right. It was possible. She would not change, but I would…

I told you, I never had any therapy of any kind. But what happened is, I started to meet people, different than the ones I knew till then.  They started to tell me about things I did not know till that age. I did not look for them, it was as if they were passing by, just to stop near me, to tell me “new things”. Now many of them are so precious to me, some became real good friend, filling in the gaps formed by the old ones  who started to fall off my life unexpectedly.

While I was trying to understand my mother, I started to understand myself…It was tough at the beginning, hurt more than my hatred, I assure you…But there was always a guide nearby, like a torch lighting up my path,  who held my faith, even at times when I wanted to drop it, and go back.

One of them gave me a book, which totally turned upside down my notion of ego; another remodeled my way of looking at the stars, taught me how to follow their guidance; one other told me that the road was a very lonely and rough one, but assured me that I would have the correct hand stretching out at perfect moment, and there were rewards waiting for me around some corners, that I would no longer want to quit that path. Another made me aware of my chakras, taught me how to loosen  my body  all tightened from the burden  of 45 stressful years. Some whispered me the value of silence, some  whispered “go on Elif, there is no longer turning back.”

Then I started to know more about regression therapies, family constellations, etc. But I never had any money to spare for those things, which I believe are very useful… Instead I came across magnificent movies, books, even dreams like the ones  I had never dreamt before and then I started to remember  things I did not even know that I knew…I started to understand more, and forgive more as I knew more…I knew more the “why”s of having such a mother, as well as having such friends who got off my  train on the way.

That is exactly what happened after the prayer of that night of May, 5^th, 2012.

My relationship with mom changed totally. She is still a very difficult person. But I know now the reasons of her behavior, I can see her real self, my dearest companion beyond her scars. My reactions are totally different. The most important of all: I can hug her with love, although she still really can get on my nerves as she always did. Nothing seems to have changed actually, but at the same time, a real lot has changed. I am no longer the victim; no one is ever the victim. We are all living the life that we are meant to live. It is up to you to choose  to learn  the rules well, thus enjoy the game while we are here anyway…

Last year on my birthday, I got the biggest present  of my life. My mom  called me to say she was sorry for everything, that was a real shock for me. She had read many of my writings on my blog, especially the ones written at the beginning of my journey, full of complaints, pain, tears.

She has her own facebook account at the age of 80, the kind of mom that everyone “loves” to see on social media, putting her nose in every detail, making remarks on all comment. We have to be really careful as a family.  My friends had warned me that  now the internet monster she had become, she could reach my writings. I had thought of erasing some of my essays where she had the leading role as the wicked witch. Then I decided not to. If she was meant to find them, she surely would find them. And that would have a reason.

There she was, at the end of the phone, last winter, day of my birthday,  asking me how I would remember her.

I felt my heart smile at that moment.  The reason was evident…

And I told her:

“I will remember you as  my favorite witch, who made me who I am today. I will always be thankful for that.”

Thank you for all you have done for me mom… I love you.