One’s journey to discover himself is such a difficult trip...
I had heard that many times before starting the journey, I had a vague idea of
it, I was expecting lots of mountains , valleys to pass... I was expecting lots
of hard times, lots of rough moments.
Moments of despair to be confronted, many instants that
would tell me to stop, that there was no worth trying was well expected.
Looking back onto myself with objective eyes, discovering all defects that I
observe on others are actually things that I have been holding onto as a
precious burden since ages would not be easy , I was told.
Every time that I would tell myself how much I had changed
compared to the previous year, finding myself doing the same erratic acts over
and over would become a harsh burden to carry sometimes, I knew it from the
start. I was well prepared. I knew what to hold onto at those time: my great
desire to love myself would hold my hand...
I was also ready to be alone on the journey, since I had no
control over my loved ones. They would find my desire to get to understand
myself useless many times. I knew it.
They would endlessly tell me not to torture myself, that change was almost impossible,
or very difficult, and mostly useless, especially I f you are more than half way
already, and remind me how comfortable it is to remain in protective comfort
zones, what a great thing is status quo.
I was well prepared for that also.
Change would mean a total change of everything, behaviours,
attitudes, even a shift in friendships. I would have to leave some people
behind, that was the way it would be. I would have to stop insisting on holding
onto what I had insisted doing for years now, and that would mean a great lot
of change, which I was ready for.
But I was not ready for one thing, and that I realized
recently: I was not ready for my friends expectations for me to change...That
may sound incomprehensive maybe, but I realized that I was not ready for that expectation. And I would prefer
that they hold onto believing that
change was impossible, and I mean it.
Sometimes they would appreciate my efforts, sometimes they
would laugh at me, that was no problem at all... But I never expected people to expect me to change, so they would love me more. Startled by a "but Elif has really changed", as if my "changed version" is better to try as a friend (never remembering that friendship is a reciprocal relation), or by accusing remarks that I had not gone very long in my efforts, what I realized was, I was opening myself too much
to those whom I defined as “friends”.
I was raising an expectation of “being a better person”, which is not
my main issue at all.
I am as good as anyone, and as bad as anyone, and that will be the case for more years to come. My wish is just
to love myself more, not by being a “better” person, but by knowing myself
better, by accepting myself not only by my awards and gifts, but also by failures, and weaknesses. That, I believe with all my heart, is a way of calming inner turmoils, a better
understanding of one’s ego, a way of
being more balanced. And I am trying only for my own sake and my own self...And
not to please others.
And on that path, all I need is to know that I am loved just
the way I am. As sings Billy Joel, I need more than ever friends:
Who are sure to not leave me in times of trouble,
With whom we never could have come this far,
Who took always the good times, and who will take the bad
times,
Who will take me just the way I am...
That is all need...And not the expectations, nor the
judgments...
Grateful to those who are with me on that route how “unbearably
human” I may be...
Grateful to those old friends who hurt me so much that I had
to start looking for an answer to my “why?”s...
Grateful to the new entries in my life, great souls who warm my heart with their
unconditional love...
Grateful to life, for all...
